Ketidak-pastian dan stigma yang dipaksakan

Belakangan ini saya memang disibukkan sendiri, bukan hanya karena aktivitas pribadi dan perkerjaan yang membuat saya menjadi fokus pada diri sendiri, tetapi juga karena hampir semua teman-teman dekat saya sibuk dengan pasangannya sendiri. Saya memang tidak terlalu memusingkan mereka yang lagi hangat-hangatnya dengan pasangan, apa salahnya sih dengan mesra-mesraan ke pasangan, iya kan?

Saya sendiri juga tidak pernah minder kalau harus menjadi obat nyamuk, roda kelima atau apalah kata bekennya saat ini, dimana saya menjadi orang ketiga disaat mereka jalan bareng pasangan. Yang membuat saya jengah akhir-akhir ini, karena orang-orang terdekat saya yang mulai menanyakan status pasangan saya.

“Yang itu masih belum ada kepastian?”

“Yang kemarin itu siapa dong?”

“Kamu gak mau punya pacar?”

Fair, mungkin memang mereka penasaran dengan status saya saat ini. Hanya saja ditanya seperti itu terus menerus membuat saya jadi keki sendiri.

Pernah satu kali entah karena selalu di tanya seperti itu atau memang situasi dimana teman-teman saya sudah tidak jomblo lagi, saya sempat memikirkan status hubungan saya dengan partner saya dan membuat saya berpikir ada yang salah dengan hubungan saya.

Okay, saya memang jarang atau bahkan sangat tertutup untuk berbicara hal-hal yang menurut saya sekarang bersifat pribadi. Belajar dari pengalaman, dimana sering sekali saya berbicara terlalu awal kepada teman yang membuat saya tidak berpikir jernih dan akhirnya memaksakan saya untuk harus “sama seperti teman” yakni mengecap status saya dengan single atau taken. Standar ini yang membuat saya dulunya sering cek-cok dengan pasangan. Seringnya banyak teman-teman saya yang menganggap hubungan hanya memiliki dua status: taken or single. Mungkin ini yang menyebabkan teman-teman saya masih sering menanyakan status hubungan saya, padahal sudah berulang kali saya katakan kami in open relationship. Karena tidak berada dalam kotak single atau taken, hubungan kamipun dicap seabagai tidak pasti, padahal hubungan dapat ditafsirkan sebagai kontrak tak tertulis antara individu, dimana dua orang atau lebih terhubung secara emosional dan jasmani atau dalam keadaan terhubung.

Saya dan pasangan saya memang jarang bertemu bisa dibilang hubungan kami lebih mirip Wochenend-Beziehung oleh orang jerman, karena memang kita hanya bertemu saat weekend, tetapi kami tahu bahwa kami memiliki koneksi dan passion yang dalam satu sama lainnya. We have our best times and moments when we are together. Memang tidak konvensional, tetapi kami merasa cukup dan bukankah itu yang terpenting?

Stigma-stigma yang melekat pada hubungan yang saya miliki dengan pasangan saya membuat saya menjadi buta dan tertekan dengan kemauan publik, akhirnya sayapun menyabotase hubungan saya sendiri. Untungnya saya sadar bahwa yang terpenting dari hubungan saya dan pasangan saya bukannya pendapat dan pertanyaan dari orang lain, tetapi koneksi yang kami rasakan dan kami rasa sudah cukup. Aneh? Mungkin. Kalaupun masih ada yang belum mengerti, saya hanya akan tersenyum dan membiarkan mereka berkutat dalam opini mereka masing-masing. What matter is; We know what we want and we get exactly the right amount. 




What is the chance that I’ll see you again? To see you in Berlin, for all the places we would have bump each other into? One in hundred times, so it was rare. A rare coincidence. A beautiful coincidence.

I was sipping my cold beer while tapping and dancing on my spot. I don’t really know the band. I was tagging my friends along since my favorite band has finished their act and I’m waiting for my next band to play in alternative stage. The sun crawled back to its bed, the moon and the stars were starting to take over the night sky. The moon exceptionally big tonight, maybe it was full moon? The lamps and the stage started to light up, I didn’t really realize it before but in no time the area was brighten up by the lamps. It was blue, pink, yellow… all sort of colors. It was memorizing. I closed my eyes trying to soak in the lyrics and the melody of the song. As I said i didn’t know about the band, I never heard of it. At least their was never on my radar, but somehow, there are a familiar feeling creeping into my mind while I heard the song.

I heard your voice, laughing and singing the lyric of it. It was too real, somehow it felt like you were beside me,. Enjoying the concert together. The concert of your favorite band. Yes, now i realize. This is your favorite band.

Still closing my eyes, I let the memories soak in. How you would sing the song word for word, while twirling around and trying to convince me to sing along. I let the memories creeping in… I saw your face so celearly ´. Soaking in. Getting deeper ad deeper in my temple of mind. In your green sofa, while you were shirtless and I was only on my dress. You showed me your favorite thing, the band was one of them. You laughed at me because “how come you didn’t know of them? They are pretty famous.” So you would sing one of their song, not particularly for me. Just for the sake of singing. Not really a great singer, are you? But that was okay. I fell for you to enjoy your singing voice anyway. I let the memories soak in, but it was too vivid. I heard your laugh once again…

It was too real and too painful to hear, so I open my eyes. But your voice, I still could hear your laugh. Hahaha maybe my mind messed with me, knowing how my heart is still longing for you? Now, I smell of you when the fresh wind whistled a little bit. The essence of your favorite Parfum, it was my favorite too. My mind was definitely messing with, I laugh to myself. My friends just staring at me because of my sudden laugh. I told them, I’ll just get that five beers for twenty euro again. They nod and back at dancing again. So that was is the moment I saw you. You, in your uniform of unbutton shirt and khaki pants. You, in your brown brogue shoes and your new girlfriend. You and your brown eyes and your perfectly styled hair. Your eyes and my eyes met. And in that glimpse of the time, the memories started cripping in again, like a old broken movies, fast forward.

And in that glimpse of the time, I felt it was the longest time to pass by. But I made it sure, that the gaze was long enough to cherish the memories and short enough to wave them goodbye.


Half a year has gone by. You have someone beside you, happier and living your life.

I do not think about you as much as I used to

As much as I want to write that sentence, I would lie to you. And to myself.

I still think about you. Not in the way how would it turn out differently, me and you happy together. Nothing like that, not ever again. The truth is, we are just like hell and heaven, we have nothing in common, we almost never agree on anything. If not, only one thing that we shared, we are agree to disagree.

I still think about you, I mean about our time. The time when you spent the night at my place, the time when you play the new HBO series and you pour the white wine into my glass. The time when I was in your place and watching the musical you like so much. Singing each words, surprisingly, you hit the notes correctly. What cannot you do exactly?

I still think about you, precisely when we were together, not together as couple or partner ( i do not dare to think such anymore) but just hanging out, spending each other times. When you talk about your family and your studies. When you talked about your last relationship. When we slept next to each other and talking and fell asleep. How you like to spoon someone next to you. Surprisingly, I liked it.

I still think about it, about what you felt, not towards me because I know clearly now. But how you felt at those moments we were together. How were you? Were you happy? Were you sad? Did you feel comfort? Did you feel unease? I think about such shenanigans a lot. Turn out maybe I am a monster. An insensitive monster that never really think about how you feel, egoistic because I didn't really hear what you want. I didn't care about your sincere emotion.

Did I have your consent, when I kissed you in your green sofa? Did I have your consent as I lied my head inside your embrace? Did I have your consent as I unbutton your shirt slowly and passionately? Did I have your consent when I cared your back, your chest. As I kissed your neck bones and slowly going up to your neck, your chin and your lips? Did I?

You must feel ashamed, disgusted and defensive. Slowly towards me. That's why i keep thinking about you, I'm so sorry, I wasn't really sensitive about your feeling and I'm sorry if I had embrace you without your consent. I'm sorry and I am too disgusted with myself.

I still think about it, about what you felt, about you and I mean about our time together. I feel disgusted about it, about what you felt and about our time together. I'm sorry, you deserve better not a monster like I am. I'm sorry.


I heard the last piece of art for today, the symphony from Tschaikovsky, I reflect to my own story. Here I am sitting with a wonderful cultivated man beside, sitting on the top of the podium, while writing this for you to read never. I see the one who were was the joy of and the sound of my day. Beside him sitting his new beau. I heard a lot about his new beau, but now i see it with my own eye. The letter that Tschaikovsky wrote to his friend reflected through his symphony. The burden of hiding sorrow overwhelms and comes through in his first act of Symphonie. The society he lived in, was not much of a change to the current society situation. He had to succumb his own despair and sadness. This was not because, he couldn't show it but because the society didn't want to see sorrow. The saddest part of it, he had to wrap it with in another sorrow, disguised by the name of marriage. I can see myself sharing the same emotion. I can see myself walking on his shoes. The joy, the disappointment, the despair of love. Love that couldn't dare to speak itself

Written while attending Aachener Studentenorchester on 13th of July 2017 listening on Brahm's Violin Concert D-Dur op. 77

How long has it been, since the last time we meet for a chit chat?

It was still awkward and still nothing like before that "spill the coffee" accident. You were still starring into me with those goddamn beautiful blue eyes and I am still captivated in the deep of the ocean I saw. You still talking casually about your dream and future and little bit here and there about our past and I'm still deciphering every words and every action you did, trying to make nothing anything. With everything that I have, I'm trying to get over it; trying to move on and going on with my life. So far it is a slow progress. I'm still trying to stand on my own to feet. Slowly but sure.

You still have that skill, captivating me, word by word and I'm still trying to hide the fact that I kinda still wondering the "what if" possibilities.

"What if I met you few months back?"
"What if I didn't to pushy?
"What if I didn't expect more than what we have?"
"What if I'm just grateful with what we shared?"
"What if I wasn't too greedy and egoistic?"
"What if I just giving up myself and waited for you?"
"What if I..?"
"What if?"

Just like you know how to read my mind, out of the blue you said…

"things will turned out differently, if we met few months back…" you said with a little laughter and strange mimic i couldn't decipher.

Are you being serious? Are you joking? Only heaven and hell know. Maybe you don't even know what you are saying, maybe you don't even care.

I gave nothing but a gaze, looking for little something that could help me to understand you.

How many months has it passed by? How many lovers declared their love and running away? Things should have been going back to normal, we shouldn't be awkward anymore. I should not be awkward anymore.

The first one hour was difficult for me. I didn't where to see, I didn't know how to behave, I didn't know how to respond you. The meet you again after this long time and after our seperation is strange. We ended thing little too harsh, no notice and cold end. For me to see you again and pretend that nothing ever happen is difficult. However, it is not the case for you. You talked Bahasa Indonesia with that funny impression, you still made that cringe jokes, you still had that tease and flirt and laughed. You are still you. Nothing seems have changed within you, apparently I changed much much more than you. As if I am a complete new person with you, but not in the good way.


Every night I wake up with heavy breathing and tears in my eyes. My dreams are always the same. Your eyes, your lips, and your smile are pictured perfectly in my head and it feels real. As soon as I wake up, however, it vanishes. I cannot picture it anymore. The picture gets hazy and covered by grief and lost. So, here I am, in my dark cold room, wondering where did I go wrong? Rewinding every memory I can remember, searching for my mistake. Could it be something that I said? – or is it something, that I didn’t say? Could it be something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Either way, I cannot find it out. No matter how hard I try to rationalize this, it is always my fault.

„Let it go“ – they say. Words are easily spoken, action, however, is harder to perform. I am hanging in between two fights, to let your spirit go away or to keep you in my heart? The faster I can choose between this option, the lighter my heart will be. Though, I am not the one who is holding the last card. I cannot choose, or truth to be told, I do not want to choose, not until you close the door and close it completely. If there is no clean cut, I will be always held on to that tiny – unrealistic—hope that you do still want me by your side and that maybe you acknowledge my presence. I will always hold on to that hope until I wear out my energy and become numb in the process.

I still hope your leaving was only the nightmare. The nightmare, I could wake up out of it pretty soon.

I am sorry, it is not you – it is me. I’m an overthinker.

Let us just be a ghost to each other. Let us just be a ghost to our past. I’ll let your ghost creeping inside my daydream and nightmare. Moreover, I’ll let your ghost disappears into the ether without any explanation – because maybe I’m worth none.

Is This The Answer?


It was always being a day like this, where I’ll wandering with lots of thought. After that brief encounter, the feelings I have for you, it all mixed into one. What was that? So many questions pop into my head, uncluttered in the back of my mind. Right now, I cannot declutter it and once again you had me.

I wish I can talk it out with you, I wish I can be as nonchalant as you, as unburden as you, as cool as you or so it seems from the outside. I know my face made a weird gimmick when I saw you. At the second, I felt warm in my heart, I wanted to say hello, to ask how you doing, how were your papers, but I guess you didn’t want to encounter anyone right now, me in particularly and my ride arrived.

I remembered seeing you with a beautiful blond young woman, you were happy chatting with her. It might be nothing, but I was impulsive and took it as a sign, maybe this is it. The end of something, which never started.

I felt sadness, grieve and cold air between us. My cheeks burned, I wanted to cry, I wanted to grab you by the hand and invited you for a coffee or a hot cocoa, because I’d always want to share a cup of hot cocoa with you on this rainy day, but I had a feeling you don’t want to see me nor you want to have to do with me anymore.

Maybe my desire to closeness terrorized you, made you uneasy therefore you are slowly avoiding me. If it is so, I’m truly sorry, it was not my intention to make you anxious.

There’s something about the rain or the stormy weather that makes me melancholy but I find serenity in it. As if it washes my burden away, makes it all clear.

So maybe this “hello” or “hi” was our goodbye? At least I saw you that day and at least I had all the western world.

PS: or maybe it is all just in my head?