Consent

Half a year has gone by. You have someone beside you, happier and living your life.

I do not think about you as much as I used to

As much as I want to write that sentence, I would lie to you. And to myself.

I still think about you. Not in the way how would it turn out differently, me and you happy together. Nothing like that, not ever again. The truth is, we are just like hell and heaven, we have nothing in common, we almost never agree on anything. If not, only one thing that we shared, we are agree to disagree.

I still think about you, I mean about our time. The time when you spent the night at my place, the time when you play the new HBO series and you pour the white wine into my glass. The time when I was in your place and watching the musical you like so much. Singing each words, surprisingly, you hit the notes correctly. What cannot you do exactly?

I still think about you, precisely when we were together, not together as couple or partner ( i do not dare to think such anymore) but just hanging out, spending each other times. When you talk about your family and your studies. When you talked about your last relationship. When we slept next to each other and talking and fell asleep. How you like to spoon someone next to you. Surprisingly, I liked it.

I still think about it, about what you felt, not towards me because I know clearly now. But how you felt at those moments we were together. How were you? Were you happy? Were you sad? Did you feel comfort? Did you feel unease? I think about such shenanigans a lot. Turn out maybe I am a monster. An insensitive monster that never really think about how you feel, egoistic because I didn't really hear what you want. I didn't care about your sincere emotion.

Did I have your consent, when I kissed you in your green sofa? Did I have your consent as I lied my head inside your embrace? Did I have your consent as I unbutton your shirt slowly and passionately? Did I have your consent when I cared your back, your chest. As I kissed your neck bones and slowly going up to your neck, your chin and your lips? Did I?

You must feel ashamed, disgusted and defensive. Slowly towards me. That's why i keep thinking about you, I'm so sorry, I wasn't really sensitive about your feeling and I'm sorry if I had embrace you without your consent. I'm sorry and I am too disgusted with myself.

I still think about it, about what you felt, about you and I mean about our time together. I feel disgusted about it, about what you felt and about our time together. I'm sorry, you deserve better not a monster like I am. I'm sorry.

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