Half a year has gone by. You have someone beside you, happier and living your life.

I do not think about you as much as I used to

As much as I want to write that sentence, I would lie to you. And to myself.

I still think about you. Not in the way how would it turn out differently, me and you happy together. Nothing like that, not ever again. The truth is, we are just like hell and heaven, we have nothing in common, we almost never agree on anything. If not, only one thing that we shared, we are agree to disagree.

I still think about you, I mean about our time. The time when you spent the night at my place, the time when you play the new HBO series and you pour the white wine into my glass. The time when I was in your place and watching the musical you like so much. Singing each words, surprisingly, you hit the notes correctly. What cannot you do exactly?

I still think about you, precisely when we were together, not together as couple or partner ( i do not dare to think such anymore) but just hanging out, spending each other times. When you talk about your family and your studies. When you talked about your last relationship. When we slept next to each other and talking and fell asleep. How you like to spoon someone next to you. Surprisingly, I liked it.

I still think about it, about what you felt, not towards me because I know clearly now. But how you felt at those moments we were together. How were you? Were you happy? Were you sad? Did you feel comfort? Did you feel unease? I think about such shenanigans a lot. Turn out maybe I am a monster. An insensitive monster that never really think about how you feel, egoistic because I didn't really hear what you want. I didn't care about your sincere emotion.

Did I have your consent, when I kissed you in your green sofa? Did I have your consent as I lied my head inside your embrace? Did I have your consent as I unbutton your shirt slowly and passionately? Did I have your consent when I cared your back, your chest. As I kissed your neck bones and slowly going up to your neck, your chin and your lips? Did I?

You must feel ashamed, disgusted and defensive. Slowly towards me. That's why i keep thinking about you, I'm so sorry, I wasn't really sensitive about your feeling and I'm sorry if I had embrace you without your consent. I'm sorry and I am too disgusted with myself.

I still think about it, about what you felt, about you and I mean about our time together. I feel disgusted about it, about what you felt and about our time together. I'm sorry, you deserve better not a monster like I am. I'm sorry.



I heard the last piece of art for today, the symphony from Tschaikovsky, I reflect to my own story. Here I am sitting with a wonderful cultivated man beside, sitting on the top of the podium, while writing this for you to read never. I see the one who were was the joy of and the sound of my day. Beside him sitting his new beau. I heard a lot about his new beau, but now i see it with my own eye. The letter that Tschaikovsky wrote to his friend reflected through his symphony. The burden of hiding sorrow overwhelms and comes through in his first act of Symphonie. The society he lived in, was not much of a change to the current society situation. He had to succumb his own despair and sadness. This was not because, he couldn't show it but because the society didn't want to see sorrow. The saddest part of it, he had to wrap it with in another sorrow, disguised by the name of marriage. I can see myself sharing the same emotion. I can see myself walking on his shoes. The joy, the disappointment, the despair of love. Love that couldn't dare to speak itself

Written while attending Aachener Studentenorchester on 13th of July 2017 listening on Brahm's Violin Concert D-Dur op. 77

Spring Awakening in Keukenhof

My friends and I decided to go to Keukenhof last week. Keukenhof also known as Garden of Europe (well, Wikipedia said) is the world’s second largest flower garden following Dubai’s Miracle Garden. Kuekenhof is located in South Holland in the small town of Lisse. We decided to go there because of various reasons, which are, we bought a Netherland’s Railpass Ticket already, which is occasionally sold for ridiculously small budget (just 13,99€ for this Ticket compare to buy a normal prize which can up to 60€), second we want to use this ticket but we don’t want just to go to Maastricht or Amsterdam. They are too mainstream for us you know. That is why it leads to our third reason, which is Keukenhof is the nearest attraction or point of interest, beside you can see beautiful tulips and garden. It’s a win-win situation. Well we could go to Reumonder Outlet Center but then you have to higher up your budget because well you want to shopping spree if you decided to go to outlet and not just sipping a coffee and window-shopping.

Our journey began at 7.30 am sharp. We took a train from Aachen Schanz to Heerlen (Holland) after we arrived at Holland we had to activate our Holland Go-Pass at the train station. At first we didn’t know how to activate it, but fortunately the conductor showed us how to activate the Pass, which is actually very easy. You just have to tap your Pass to a machine until it’s beeping. After we all activated our Go-Pass we boarded to the train. The Journey began than from Heerlen to Leiden Central. It took another 2 Hours 45 Minutes but time flew so fast because we had Wi-Fi on our train and snacks that we bought the day before. When we arrived at Leiden, our journey didn’t stop there but we were getting closer to our destination. We took a bus from Leiden Central to Keukenhof. It took another 15 minutes to reach Keukenhof.

After the long Journey we finally reached our main destination The Garden of Europe, Keukenhof. In the 15th Century the park was a hounting-ground belonged to Jakobäa von Bayern, the Countess also used her untouched country estate for planting herbs to use in her kitchen, which is the source of the name Keukenhof, bluntly translate as Kitchen-garden. After the death of the Countess, some rich merchants took over the ground. VOC captain and Governer Adriens Martens Block lived in the castle he built-in 1641 after his retirement. The Garden was established by the then-Mayor of Lisse to present a flower exhibit, where gardener from all over Netherland and Europe couls show their hybrids. The Garden open from March untill May or around spring but the castle of Keukenhof opens all year-long and frequently used for festivals and events.

According to the official website, Keukenhof planted approximately 7 million flowers bulb each year which cover an area of 32 hectares. It has 5 Pavillion, in which they have their own flower show. We went to three out of five Pavilion, they were Orenje Nassau where they held a roses show, Beatrix Pavillion showed orchid, anthurium and Bromeliad (this is my favorite Pavillion because they showed all variety of orchid) and the last but not leats Willem-Alexander Pavillion, which held a show for flowering shrubs.

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The garden and the exhibitions were huge and gorgeous. It was worth our time, money and energy to go there. I would recommend it to my friends and family and I think they should at least go to Keukenhof once in their lifetime.

until next post,

A Tale of a Beauty on the Battle Field

I have always been fond to a fairy tale, ancient tale and every kind of tale since in my young age. It must be because Granny will always told me a story when I was sleeping with her, well actually I forced her to tell me a story. I have a lot of favorite tale from a classic Indonesian tale “Bawang Merah dan Bawang Putih” or German’s classic “Gebrüder Grimm’s” Tale, but right now I want to tell you about Goa Chang Gong (高长拲)he was a general of the northern Qi Dynasty, he was also known as Prince of Lan Ling because his Princedom was Lan Ling county.

Illustration of Gao Zhang Gong

According to the book of northern Qi, he has a beautiful almost feminine face, therefore he wore a dreadful mask to scary his opponent on the battle field. He was always successful on the battlefields. One of his famous battle was battle of Lou Yang, where he led only 500 cavalry men fought through an army of Northern Zhou, who had 100,000 men to sack the city. He fought his way to the gates, the tale said that the army of Lou Yang city didn’t recognize him thus that he took of his helmet/mask. The army recognized him and rejoiced at his arrival. Soon after the army of Northern Zhou was defeated.

Gong Zhang Gong’s Battle Mask to scare his enemy

Despite of growing up in a such horrible family (Gao family was known for rape, incest and killing their brother for power) he had a good reputation among his people. It was said, once the Emperor gave him 20 Concubines but he accepted just only one concubine because he did’t want to disobey the Emperor but then that he wanted none. Whenever he was out on the battlefield or just kept watch a border, he always shared whatever he had with his soldier. Basically he was a good General and he is a true chivalrous gentleman.

There is also a series, which told the story of Prince Lanling with a twist of romance. I watched it and it was pretty good. The series called “Prince Lan Ling” starring China 1# Young Master, Feng Shao Feng as Gao Chang Gong. It is worth to watch and overall the stick to the book but with a little twist here and there.

Feng Shao Feng as Gao Zhan Gong a.k.a Prince Lan Ling.

I have always adored this story about Prince Lan Ling and with this series featuring Feng Shao Feng, I found it so hard not to fall in love deeper with him. Mr. Feng did a pretty good job on his character.

but life is not a fairy tale, is it?


Up and Down searching for a roof to stay


I feel so numb right now. I feel insane. I feel down. If there are bunnies in my head they probably jumping and running around, don’t know what to do. I have done the exact same thing for almost four months. I wake up, turn my computer and searching for available flat or room in flat-share which I can afford. If they put their mobile phone than I’ll contact them and if I am lucky enough I’ll come to meet with them tomorrow, if not I’ll contact them until they are tired of me. If there is no phone number, I’ll contact them through email and then I’Ll just sit back and drink my tea. Probably from ten people I contacted just 3 of them would make an effort to contact me back saying if we can meet up or if the flat already taken. I appreciate them fondly if they do that because it’s tiring to sit back and wait without even knowing how things will go.

And these all I have done over and over again for almost four months. I have searched for flats in Aachen since June 2014 until now I feel like I am not making any progress despise countless flats and rooms I had seen. There are few flats that making progress but then just to know the landlords are giving the flats to someone else. So I have to search again from the square one. For the first two weeks I was okay with that circumstances, looking for flat, contacting people, seeing them and being denied, however the last three weeks it has been an up and down for me. I am tired of this shit. I am tired of contacting people, talking with them that I need to find new flats and all that shit. Of course I can sit back and relax but then I have this feeling of guilt for slacking around.

“Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity is? Insanity is doing the exact same fucking thing.. over and over again expecting shit to change.” – Vaas Montenegro.

This quote above is a quote in a game Far Cry. It first I wasnt truly sure what Vaas meant. I meant doing the same thing over and over again is a routine but not insanity. However now I can truly relate with him, doing the same thing over and over again, is a routine but doing things over and over again expecting shit to change that is insanity.

I hope I am just in the edge of insanity


googling yourself

Have anyone here googling yourself? i bet everyone did right? It is normal right? I was googling my real name and pseudonym I used in Internet and I was surprised of what I have found. Hahaha I found my old flickr account, my old blog in blogspot, yahoo group, yahoo answer and so on and on and on…

Now I have one thing in my mind… how can I delete all unwanted account if i forgot its mail and password? Can anyone help me out?

Quick Update 01-Trillingual

Ich habe schon lange her nicht mehr geschrieben. Anders seit weil ich wordpress vergessen habe und auch ich weiss nicht was ich schreiben soll. Ich war im Kino mit meiner Zumba/Sport-Freundin, wir haben Las Vegas in unsere RWTH FilmStudio geguckt und ich war auch beim Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I thought it was so long then when our last date was and I am so happy he could make a time for me to go to the cinema 🙂

It’s spring already and the weather’s temperature is rising little by little. I hope it will be constantly like that because I plant to go to a road trip in easter-holiday with my BF. Kami akan memulai perjalanan/liburan kami dari Aachen dan mengunjugi Trier, Merzig, Homburg dan Heidelberg. Saya sendiri tidak dapat banyak libur, hanya dua hari pada tanggal merah yaitu 18 dan 19, jadi kami memanfaatkan sebaik-baiknya waktu yang ada. Kami memutuskan untuk melakukan perjalanan darat melalui kota-kota jerman. Kami sudah sangat tidak sabar untuk memulai perjalanan ini. Semua sudah kami rencanakan baik-baik 🙂 We even organize a cool box/picnic box, which we can bring along in our trip and oh yeah we have also binocular so we can watch pack of wolves in Merzig 🙂 I am so excited about this trip.

Ach ja, ich würde auch gerne den Review für Las Vegas und Captain America schreiben, aber ich weiss nicht ob ich noch Zeit habe denn gestern ist erster Tag von Sommersemester das heisst dass ich nicht mehr so viel Zait für schreiben und Internet habe. Ich werde den Review schreiben, wenn ich Zeit habe das auch obwohl es wird schon immer nur in Draft landet.

Love, Ayu