Consent

Half a year has gone by. You have someone beside you, happier and living your life.

I do not think about you as much as I used to

As much as I want to write that sentence, I would lie to you. And to myself.

I still think about you. Not in the way how would it turn out differently, me and you happy together. Nothing like that, not ever again. The truth is, we are just like hell and heaven, we have nothing in common, we almost never agree on anything. If not, only one thing that we shared, we are agree to disagree.

I still think about you, I mean about our time. The time when you spent the night at my place, the time when you play the new HBO series and you pour the white wine into my glass. The time when I was in your place and watching the musical you like so much. Singing each words, surprisingly, you hit the notes correctly. What cannot you do exactly?

I still think about you, precisely when we were together, not together as couple or partner ( i do not dare to think such anymore) but just hanging out, spending each other times. When you talk about your family and your studies. When you talked about your last relationship. When we slept next to each other and talking and fell asleep. How you like to spoon someone next to you. Surprisingly, I liked it.

I still think about it, about what you felt, not towards me because I know clearly now. But how you felt at those moments we were together. How were you? Were you happy? Were you sad? Did you feel comfort? Did you feel unease? I think about such shenanigans a lot. Turn out maybe I am a monster. An insensitive monster that never really think about how you feel, egoistic because I didn't really hear what you want. I didn't care about your sincere emotion.

Did I have your consent, when I kissed you in your green sofa? Did I have your consent as I lied my head inside your embrace? Did I have your consent as I unbutton your shirt slowly and passionately? Did I have your consent when I cared your back, your chest. As I kissed your neck bones and slowly going up to your neck, your chin and your lips? Did I?

You must feel ashamed, disgusted and defensive. Slowly towards me. That's why i keep thinking about you, I'm so sorry, I wasn't really sensitive about your feeling and I'm sorry if I had embrace you without your consent. I'm sorry and I am too disgusted with myself.

I still think about it, about what you felt, about you and I mean about our time together. I feel disgusted about it, about what you felt and about our time together. I'm sorry, you deserve better not a monster like I am. I'm sorry.

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Untitled

I heard the last piece of art for today, the symphony from Tschaikovsky, I reflect to my own story. Here I am sitting with a wonderful cultivated man beside, sitting on the top of the podium, while writing this for you to read never. I see the one who were was the joy of and the sound of my day. Beside him sitting his new beau. I heard a lot about his new beau, but now i see it with my own eye. The letter that Tschaikovsky wrote to his friend reflected through his symphony. The burden of hiding sorrow overwhelms and comes through in his first act of Symphonie. The society he lived in, was not much of a change to the current society situation. He had to succumb his own despair and sadness. This was not because, he couldn't show it but because the society didn't want to see sorrow. The saddest part of it, he had to wrap it with in another sorrow, disguised by the name of marriage. I can see myself sharing the same emotion. I can see myself walking on his shoes. The joy, the disappointment, the despair of love. Love that couldn't dare to speak itself

Written while attending Aachener Studentenorchester on 13th of July 2017 listening on Brahm's Violin Concert D-Dur op. 77

How long has it been, since the last time we meet for a chit chat?

It was still awkward and still nothing like before that "spill the coffee" accident. You were still starring into me with those goddamn beautiful blue eyes and I am still captivated in the deep of the ocean I saw. You still talking casually about your dream and future and little bit here and there about our past and I'm still deciphering every words and every action you did, trying to make nothing anything. With everything that I have, I'm trying to get over it; trying to move on and going on with my life. So far it is a slow progress. I'm still trying to stand on my own to feet. Slowly but sure.

You still have that skill, captivating me, word by word and I'm still trying to hide the fact that I kinda still wondering the "what if" possibilities.

"What if I met you few months back?"
"What if I didn't to pushy?
"What if I didn't expect more than what we have?"
"What if I'm just grateful with what we shared?"
"What if I wasn't too greedy and egoistic?"
"What if I just giving up myself and waited for you?"
"What if I..?"
"What if?"

Just like you know how to read my mind, out of the blue you said…

"things will turned out differently, if we met few months back…" you said with a little laughter and strange mimic i couldn't decipher.

Are you being serious? Are you joking? Only heaven and hell know. Maybe you don't even know what you are saying, maybe you don't even care.

I gave nothing but a gaze, looking for little something that could help me to understand you.

How many months has it passed by? How many lovers declared their love and running away? Things should have been going back to normal, we shouldn't be awkward anymore. I should not be awkward anymore.

The first one hour was difficult for me. I didn't where to see, I didn't know how to behave, I didn't know how to respond you. The meet you again after this long time and after our seperation is strange. We ended thing little too harsh, no notice and cold end. For me to see you again and pretend that nothing ever happen is difficult. However, it is not the case for you. You talked Bahasa Indonesia with that funny impression, you still made that cringe jokes, you still had that tease and flirt and laughed. You are still you. Nothing seems have changed within you, apparently I changed much much more than you. As if I am a complete new person with you, but not in the good way.

Ghost

Every night I wake up with heavy breathing and tears in my eyes. My dreams are always the same. Your eyes, your lips, and your smile are pictured perfectly in my head and it feels real. As soon as I wake up, however, it vanishes. I cannot picture it anymore. The picture gets hazy and covered by grief and lost. So, here I am, in my dark cold room, wondering where did I go wrong? Rewinding every memory I can remember, searching for my mistake. Could it be something that I said? – or is it something, that I didn’t say? Could it be something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Either way, I cannot find it out. No matter how hard I try to rationalize this, it is always my fault.

„Let it go“ – they say. Words are easily spoken, action, however, is harder to perform. I am hanging in between two fights, to let your spirit go away or to keep you in my heart? The faster I can choose between this option, the lighter my heart will be. Though, I am not the one who is holding the last card. I cannot choose, or truth to be told, I do not want to choose, not until you close the door and close it completely. If there is no clean cut, I will be always held on to that tiny – unrealistic—hope that you do still want me by your side and that maybe you acknowledge my presence. I will always hold on to that hope until I wear out my energy and become numb in the process.

I still hope your leaving was only the nightmare. The nightmare, I could wake up out of it pretty soon.

I am sorry, it is not you – it is me. I’m an overthinker.

Let us just be a ghost to each other. Let us just be a ghost to our past. I’ll let your ghost creeping inside my daydream and nightmare. Moreover, I’ll let your ghost disappears into the ether without any explanation – because maybe I’m worth none.

Hello-Goodbye

“You be good.”

That was his last word to me and at that moment I know that was our last time. That I won’t be seeing him again nor would I want to see him in a short time and that was our final chapter.

What we had wasn’t even real and I should have known that we couldn’t keep it like that. Maybe I was greedy and I was aware of that, but what I did not know, it would come to an end that fast. We met and we said goodbye. That was it. Period. Just like a line, what met in intersection and never will meet again.

It was first day of summer, or was it? I don’t really remember. Do you see? I don’t even remember anymore how or when we met. That should be a sign enough, to let me know that ahead we will be separated by a fucking big junction. From that on what I still remember is our good time. Fun time. Fuck it just called it summer fling.

We explored our sexuality openly. He opened a door for me so I could exploring thing I have never explored before. He lets me in and showed me what I could do, what I’m capable of, what he was capable of. It was like a drug for me, I couldn’t have enough of it. I was happy, you see at that moment I was alive. Never have I ever been that happy. Never have I ever tasted a drug like his drug. Slowly I was addicted to it. I wanted more even though I know what we had, was a problem. You see, I got a boyfriend and he had his ‘girlfriend’. But still we kept playing this game of two.

My friend told me to be careful because when you play with fire, you could get burned. “Sweetheart, you have to be careful. Don’t let a good fuck think you’re in love.” I should listened to her, I should stop it while I can. But I’m a junkie, as he always called me when I had my second cigarettes. I am a junkie, yes I was a junkie, who couldn’t get enough from his poisonous elixir. Greedy is such an ugly so sin. You want something that you don’t have, you demand something you know you cannot get. In the end you will get hurt by your greediness.

I know he met her long before he met me, but tell me couple of things. Is she lovely? Does she care about him? Does she fuck him better than me? He knows I’m right here, beside him and she’s there thousand miles away from you. I have been in that kind relationship, it sucked. It sucked your energy and your emotion. Is he really sure that was what he wants? Didn’t he tell me not so long ago, love and relationship were not his things? That he probably wasn’t capable of such emotion. Wasn’t what we have was great? No emotion, no string attached, just us and his bed?

Such a pity, just for a moment I enjoyed it with no regret or no hesitation. Turn out of the blue, he had someone beside him. Left me alone in this dark room and he knows how I hate dark room. I hope he saw my face and it reminded him the time we had earlier, the sweet play we played, the secret language that we spoke.

But you know, I wished him the best. I was happy he found what he wasn’t even look at first.

Persona

Sebuah kumpulan coretan dan guratan tangan seseorang yang bukan priyayi.

https://www.facebook.com/chiarabautistaartwork?fref=photo
Love Story by Chiara Bautista

What To Do With All This Love? (5.10.2014)
Ketika sudah banyak cinta di dalam hati,
Aku terkadang bingung mau ku kemanakan segala cinta di hati
Penuh. Sesak dada ini
Terpenuhi oleh cintaku untukmu
Biar aku rajut benang cintaku,
kubuatkan baju hangat untukmu
Agar dapat kuhangatkan kau…

Bung, Ayo Bung (9.11.2014)
Aku kangen dengan gejolak itu
Ingin membakar, mengobar
menyulut
Api revolusi semakin menghilang
Tertutup rapat, tak ada udara
Berikan celah! Agar bisa bernapas
Kembali berkobar
Karena kita belum selesai
Dan tak akan selesai

Merintih Dalam Tawa (17.11.2014)
Dalam rintihan tawaku
Terpuruk dalam sendu
Mengikis syahdu
Ku menatap dalam gelap,
Mereka tertawa! Lepas!
Aku Tertawa! Merintih!
Tersenyum bibirku,
Tapi mataku?

Reward (17.11.2014)
Are you my reward?
Because you are something
Something I would never
Never dare to ask
Because you are too good
Too good to be true
true to me, true to my love
My love, you are my reward

Untitled (Date unknown)
Sesak rasanya dadaku
Setiap aku mendengar lagu
Rindu yang tertahan syahdu
Lagu berdendang irama rindu
ingin rasanya kupeluk
kuraba dan kucium
Kekasih hati tapi jauh selalu

Scary Thing (Date Unknown)
Growing up is a scary thing
I would love to go back to my childhood
but then I have to experience that damn thing again

danantidewi

I Don’t Love You

Well when you go
So, don’t ever think I’ll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I’ll be off to find another way

And you want to walk away from this relationship we had built together. You want to cut off our bond, our communication and to throw all we have. But please remember that I’m tired from all this drama to fight over you, begging you to stay. When you are stepping out of this door, just remember that is the cue you will lose me forever.

When after all this time hat you still owe
You’re still a good for nothing I don’t know
So take your gloves and get out
better get out while you can

Four and half years are not a short time. We shared our dreams, our passion and our nightmares. We went through all kind of situation and I saw no flaw in our relationship, but why now? Why it has to be now, when I have grown fond of you. Every second and every minute make it hard to think about the world without you. So I think you better leave now, while you still can.

When you go
Would you even turn to say
“I don’t love you, like I did yesterday?”

Because that what I’ll keep saying to you. I’ll keep repeating the sentence like a broken record until these words become real.

When you go,
Would you have the guts to say…

“I don’t love you like I love you yesterday”

danantidewi

ps: this story is inspired by the song from My Chemical Romance with the same title “I don’t love you” from the album The Black Parade.