Every night I wake up with heavy breathing and tears in my eyes. My dreams are always the same. Your eyes, your lips, and your smile are pictured perfectly in my head and it feels real. As soon as I wake up, however, it vanishes. I cannot picture it anymore. The picture gets hazy and covered by grief and lost. So, here I am, in my dark cold room, wondering where did I go wrong? Rewinding every memory I can remember, searching for my mistake. Could it be something that I said? – or is it something, that I didn’t say? Could it be something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Either way, I cannot find it out. No matter how hard I try to rationalize this, it is always my fault.
„Let it go“ – they say. Words are easily spoken, action, however, is harder to perform. I am hanging in between two fights, to let your spirit go away or to keep you in my heart? The faster I can choose between this option, the lighter my heart will be. Though, I am not the one who is holding the last card. I cannot choose, or truth to be told, I do not want to choose, not until you close the door and close it completely. If there is no clean cut, I will be always held on to that tiny – unrealistic—hope that you do still want me by your side and that maybe you acknowledge my presence. I will always hold on to that hope until I wear out my energy and become numb in the process.
I still hope your leaving was only the nightmare. The nightmare, I could wake up out of it pretty soon.
I am sorry, it is not you – it is me. I’m an overthinker.
Let us just be a ghost to each other. Let us just be a ghost to our past. I’ll let your ghost creeping inside my daydream and nightmare. Moreover, I’ll let your ghost disappears into the ether without any explanation – because maybe I’m worth none.