Ghost

Every night I wake up with heavy breathing and tears in my eyes. My dreams are always the same. Your eyes, your lips, and your smile are pictured perfectly in my head and it feels real. As soon as I wake up, however, it vanishes. I cannot picture it anymore. The picture gets hazy and covered by grief and lost. So, here I am, in my dark cold room, wondering where did I go wrong? Rewinding every memory I can remember, searching for my mistake. Could it be something that I said? – or is it something, that I didn’t say? Could it be something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Either way, I cannot find it out. No matter how hard I try to rationalize this, it is always my fault.

„Let it go“ – they say. Words are easily spoken, action, however, is harder to perform. I am hanging in between two fights, to let your spirit go away or to keep you in my heart? The faster I can choose between this option, the lighter my heart will be. Though, I am not the one who is holding the last card. I cannot choose, or truth to be told, I do not want to choose, not until you close the door and close it completely. If there is no clean cut, I will be always held on to that tiny – unrealistic—hope that you do still want me by your side and that maybe you acknowledge my presence. I will always hold on to that hope until I wear out my energy and become numb in the process.

I still hope your leaving was only the nightmare. The nightmare, I could wake up out of it pretty soon.

I am sorry, it is not you – it is me. I’m an overthinker.

Let us just be a ghost to each other. Let us just be a ghost to our past. I’ll let your ghost creeping inside my daydream and nightmare. Moreover, I’ll let your ghost disappears into the ether without any explanation – because maybe I’m worth none.

/dɪspəˈzɪʃ(ə)n/

I don’t want any flawless relationship

I don’t want a perfect couple goal or a dream soulmate

If it’s not much to ask,

Please be yourself,

Argue with me if we are disagree

Because I can’t wait to make it up with a make-up sex

Fight with me through your words and not a fist

Because I’m sure I need another point of view

Tell me when I’m wrong, I don’t need shit covered in glitter

I want your bad, your disease, your nightmares

So I could share you my illness

I want to be in your day dream

But also to be the reason why you can’t sleep at night


She used to know how to dance in the rain. She used to know how to sail the ocean without compass

She used to know how to see the beauty in everything.

Now she lost it, she lost it because she is blinded by the beauty of an angel in front of her. Is he the Michael? Or rather is  he the Lucifer?

 

Here comes the moment when she doesn’t want to stop, when she doesn’t want to get better. She just doesn’t care anymore. She cannot explain what’s going on with her head, when she is the master of her own mind, don’t even understand it.


Kamu mau tahu apa yang salah?

Aku yang salah karena menggantungkan harapanku terlalu tinggi,

Aku yang salah karena terlalu acuh,

Tak mau melihat kenyataan

Masih saja melakukan kesalahan yang sama tapi tidak pernah mau belajar

Mungkin aku memang tidak bisa membantumu

Karena dirimupun tak mau dibantu

Aku rindu padamu,

bukan hanya hari

Detikpun aku hitung kapan kita akan bertemu

Hingga detik terakhirpun aku menunggu dengan setia

Aku tahu kamu memang tidak meminta aku untuk menunggu

Kulakukan karena aku ingin membuktikan diriku

Tersayat perih

Kamu tidak merasakan eufori yang sama sperti yang aku rasakan

Aku kira kau akan meluangkan waktumu barang sehari saja

Tidak semalam saja untuk kita habiskan bersama

Harusnya aku sadar, aku tak akan pernah mendapatkanmu

Harusnya aku sadar, karena bukan aku yang kamu butuhkan


Aku memang bermain dengan api,

Memang hangat, panas

Hampir terbakar

Tetapi dinginnya cuaca ini membuatku sadar akan panasmu yang beradiasi ke kulitku

Menjalar dari pipiku, wajahku

Leher dan perlahan menjalar keseluruh tubuhku

Dan akhirnya akupun terbakar

Menjadi abu dan debu

Tapi aku terlahir dari abuku


I’m laughing I’m crying

It feels like I’m dying

I’m yearning, I’m flying

But it’s paradoxing

Persona

Sebuah kumpulan coretan dan guratan tangan seseorang yang bukan priyayi.

https://www.facebook.com/chiarabautistaartwork?fref=photo
Love Story by Chiara Bautista

What To Do With All This Love? (5.10.2014)
Ketika sudah banyak cinta di dalam hati,
Aku terkadang bingung mau ku kemanakan segala cinta di hati
Penuh. Sesak dada ini
Terpenuhi oleh cintaku untukmu
Biar aku rajut benang cintaku,
kubuatkan baju hangat untukmu
Agar dapat kuhangatkan kau…

Bung, Ayo Bung (9.11.2014)
Aku kangen dengan gejolak itu
Ingin membakar, mengobar
menyulut
Api revolusi semakin menghilang
Tertutup rapat, tak ada udara
Berikan celah! Agar bisa bernapas
Kembali berkobar
Karena kita belum selesai
Dan tak akan selesai

Merintih Dalam Tawa (17.11.2014)
Dalam rintihan tawaku
Terpuruk dalam sendu
Mengikis syahdu
Ku menatap dalam gelap,
Mereka tertawa! Lepas!
Aku Tertawa! Merintih!
Tersenyum bibirku,
Tapi mataku?

Reward (17.11.2014)
Are you my reward?
Because you are something
Something I would never
Never dare to ask
Because you are too good
Too good to be true
true to me, true to my love
My love, you are my reward

Untitled (Date unknown)
Sesak rasanya dadaku
Setiap aku mendengar lagu
Rindu yang tertahan syahdu
Lagu berdendang irama rindu
ingin rasanya kupeluk
kuraba dan kucium
Kekasih hati tapi jauh selalu

Scary Thing (Date Unknown)
Growing up is a scary thing
I would love to go back to my childhood
but then I have to experience that damn thing again

danantidewi