Ghost

Every night I wake up with heavy breathing and tears in my eyes. My dreams are always the same. Your eyes, your lips, and your smile are pictured perfectly in my head and it feels real. As soon as I wake up, however, it vanishes. I cannot picture it anymore. The picture gets hazy and covered by grief and lost. So, here I am, in my dark cold room, wondering where did I go wrong? Rewinding every memory I can remember, searching for my mistake. Could it be something that I said? – or is it something, that I didn’t say? Could it be something that I did? Something I didn’t do? Either way, I cannot find it out. No matter how hard I try to rationalize this, it is always my fault.

„Let it go“ – they say. Words are easily spoken, action, however, is harder to perform. I am hanging in between two fights, to let your spirit go away or to keep you in my heart? The faster I can choose between this option, the lighter my heart will be. Though, I am not the one who is holding the last card. I cannot choose, or truth to be told, I do not want to choose, not until you close the door and close it completely. If there is no clean cut, I will be always held on to that tiny – unrealistic—hope that you do still want me by your side and that maybe you acknowledge my presence. I will always hold on to that hope until I wear out my energy and become numb in the process.

I still hope your leaving was only the nightmare. The nightmare, I could wake up out of it pretty soon.

I am sorry, it is not you – it is me. I’m an overthinker.

Let us just be a ghost to each other. Let us just be a ghost to our past. I’ll let your ghost creeping inside my daydream and nightmare. Moreover, I’ll let your ghost disappears into the ether without any explanation – because maybe I’m worth none.

Dear Friend,

(or whatever you are right now)

I have a hard time to fall asleep because  you’ve been visiting me every night. It is not like I don’t like a visitation, it’s just hard to receive a company if you are not expecting. I never expected anything, but yet I fall hard, harder than I meant to. One’s said love is an option and they are right, I chose to fall for you, but I guess it is a tad too deep for my taste and now I cannot go back.

Dear Friend,
Since you’re always visiting me every night, there’s one thing that I expect you to do. I’ve been searching for the signs, for any hints every time you visited me. I would wake me in the middle of the night, just to find myself crying in the middle of the night. There is just one thing I wanted to know, will you please give me an explanation?

It is the first day of spring. You can hear the bird singing their first song, your garden has sprung beautifully, the garden is full of color, the flower has given their finest color, red, yellow and full of cherry-blossom. The sun gives its warmest ray, it brings out the vibrant color from your garden. The sky is clear blue, you see no clouds in presence. „Ah what a beautiful day!“ you say.

But you start seeing the wind changes its pace. From the horizon, you see the clouds are coming to your way. Slowly snowflakes start falling from the sky. Suddenly the weather is changing.

The snow is drifting, following the rhythm of the wind, back and forth, falling softly, slowly covering your garden. You see the snow, whether it’s big or small. The only thing that’s a matter that it is beautiful. They are dancing in the air, gracefully, inviting you to play with it in your garden.

…In no time, you’ll see the garden will turning white, they are covering your garden, they are hugging your garden, so tightly. They turn your garden into the white spacious canvas. What you’ll see is all white, but you don’t see it as boring nor dull, on the contrary, you feel calm alas you find serenity by just looking at it. The snow has been transforming your garden into a winter wonderland of your own. Yours and only your wonderland in the backyard of your humble house. They are beautiful, they are white and pure.

I know you want to play with them, it is so alluring to see a beautiful white garden without any footprints and so on. You want to play in your garden, you want to feel the snow and you want to embrace in the snow. So you grab your hat and your scarf, you put on your winter boots and you are rushing it outside. You cannot wait to roll around in the snow.

As you open the door to your garden, you feel the breeze of a cold wind but it doesn’t stop you at all. The breeze getting stronger as if it is warning you about the cold. Your cheeks are turning red from the kiss of the wind blows. Your nose is running, but you are excited like you were a child, who couldn’t wait to play with your new toy. Ahh, wonderful you think to yourself.

You start walking,

crash

crash

crash

you can hear the sound of the fresh snow as you step on it. Beautiful. You start running around, step on the snow, leaving your footprints everywhere. You are rolling around in it, you make a snow angel.

Ah you feel so happy but then you start to get bored, so you decided to go back to your warm living room, but before you are entering your house, you are looking around your garden and you see, that surround you are no longer looks like a blank canvas, instead you see your garden turns into mess, full of your dirty footprints from your dirty winter boots. Oh, and you are realizing that you the sound you hear when you step into the snow is actually the sound of snowflakes cracking into pieces. Every time you stepped into it, thousands of snowflakes are broken. You realize now that your winter wonderland is not as beautiful as before, it is no longer a white, pure, beautiful garden, instead, it turns into a big canvas with lots of brown fleck in it. Dirty. Ugly and no longer attractive to you.

You are sad about it, but let me tell you what, you are not sad, you are not sorry about it because as soon as you are already in your warm living room, sipping your warm fragrant green tea, you will forget about your sorry. Well sometimes you will look back to your garden through your big window, you’ll stare down to your garden and you’ll regret things you’ve done, but then what’s the big deal, crying over spilled milk? So you’ll move on. There will be another snowy day soon or in the next winter.

The snow will always be there and forgotten, your garden will never be the same again. It is waiting patiently for the sun to shines, melt everything. It is waiting for the spring to sprung, so your garden will be beautiful again, filled with color, which the snow will never be.

This isn’t happiness

We played a little game
A game of seduction
But I know, in the end
I’ll fall and lose
I want to know how far I could go
How hard I would fall
Now I’m broken and nobody catches me

Sadness is a blessing
Sadness is a pearl
Sadness is my boyfriend
Oh Sadness I’m your  girl – Lykke Li

I am a mess,
dumb,
silly,
imbecile,
stupid,
ugly bitch
yet you still manage to bring the worst out of me

I love loved you.
Oh well, I love.. that concept

I guess our story won’t be there for too long
I guess we should prepare for a goodbye
I might miss your kiss,
your touch,
your whisper,
your commands but this are for good
So this is goodbye.

tumblr_o85z4tkssm1qz6f9yo4_500Aku dan Kamu
Dipertemukan disaat yang salah
Ditempat yang salah
Aku dan Kamu

memiliki ikatan unik, aneh, luar biasa
tak membosankan
Aku dan Kamu
sayang hanya sebuah persimpangan
berbagi kecup disaat kita berjumpa
mengucap pisah disaat yang sama
Kenapa bertemu bila akhirnya berpisah?
Kenapa berbagi bila akhirnya kau memilihnya?

 

 

 

How can you regret something you wanted before?

Regret is something ugly. One of many negative feeling I don’t want to have not in recent time nor in for a long time. Like any other imperfect human being, I did some impulsive action, make me regret what I did afterward. I regret eating a bag of “Tropicana” Haribo in a day, coming to Germany, enjoying my freedom. I used to longing for freedom, owning my own mind and opinion, to actually have a control over my own life. The fact that I have to look up for somebody, waiting for their response or plan so I could make my own life made me feel restricted. Now that I got my freedom, why don’t I feel free at all? Suddenly, I want to have somebody who’s telling me what I should do, what I should wear and decide what I should eat for dinner. I want something that I know I can depend on, that I know they’re always by my side on a Wednesday
‘s night, watching a ridiculous film together, having a wine date on Thursday night and a lazy afternoon on Sunday, but so in the way they will never cage me in a golden cage. I want it so we can run wild together, side by side and no one is left behind or commanding.

3e2e890a87a782b6e0dfea74ffedd21fThe thing I regret the most is to let my guard down without knowing you first.  Yes, I regret it so much that I’m starting to despise you, cursing my brain for every night I dream about you.

I get it. You write

Probably many of my friends did not know about my passion in writing. However, for my very close friends, it is not a surprise. I have been writing since I was eight years old. At first I was writing in my  diary, just about some stuff that amazed, confused or fascinated me. It was just a  normal diary, but it holds many of my idea. Then, I started writing poems, lyrics, then lead to short stories. Just between us, I have been writing and renew my letter for my loyal friends every month, in case something happen to me and I did not have the chance to say what I want to say to them.

I love to write short story. It is not too short like a poem nor is it too long like a novel. Just perfect length. I do not write only about my personal experiences, but also from the stories around me. It could be about my friends, their feelings and their surrounding. I like to put myself in their point of view, so maybe that is why my short story always in a first-person point of view and my characters never have a name. It is just surprisingly easy for me if I put myself in their shoes and think about what would this character do if this or that happen. I could say I am not a big fan of happily-ever-after ending, mostly my main-character in my short stories would end up single, alone and dead. Very harsh to say, but for me tragedy, sadness, gloomy and melancholy make a short story reliable and accurate. You can feel pain more that you can feel happiness. While you feel in pain, you feel like there is a giant hole in your chest that you need to feel it up and that is when my short story comes in handy, with happiness you cannot feel it up. Instead, you just dig deeper the hole in your chest and it makes it heavier.

I posted some of my writings in my blog, one short story called Game Over. It sparked a huge “discussion” about this story. Everybody assumed that this story related to me and was worried I would end up like the main character in the story. Their reaction about the story was not without any reason. In the time I was still not over my first, long and serious relationship. It was a mess for me, my closest friends were always there and they were literally asking me every five minutes if I was okay. I won’t lie, the breakup was not a mess, there was no fight at all, but it gave a huge impact to my everyday performance. Anyway, that is why my friends all worried about me. Because of the big fuss about my sad-ending story I am now quite hesitate to publish another story because I don’t want to make my friends worry about me. Since then i have been writing three short stories and countless poems, but I didn’t have the intention yet to publish them. There is only this one person, I would show my writings too.

Let’s call him Mr. Scholar, he is the most honest, straightforward guy I have ever met. We mostly shared opinions about some things. Therefore, I would like him to read and made a comments about my writings. Every time I showed him my work, he always said, “You are very good at it.” and just like that it lifts up my confident. Not seldom he would give me advice how to make my story even better. Because of him I have the courage again to post my stories. I think as for now I’ll only post my writings. However please remember, don’t assume the stories are all about my personal life. Some of it might be, or just inspired by it.

Love,
Ayu

 

Summer, Sun and Procrastinating

Usually summer is like my best season of all year, you know where I could feel really free and in my best state. Where you could feel the sun on your skin, getting tan, having fun with your friends, going to the beach; or go to pool since there ain’t no beaches here in Aachen, well you know just have the time of your life or just feeling yourself, but this kind of feeling is one thing that not going to happen, not when you’re living in Aachen. This small town in North-Rhine-Westphalia seems to have just two season: fall and spring. Okay I might be exaggerating, but seriously I can count the hot summer days in Aachen with all my fingers. To make it fair, the weather in Germany right now is kinda lame. No hot summer days or just a small ray of sunshine, NADA. When you’re lucky you’ll get like overall 15 minutes of sunshine through the whole day.

Well, I don’t want to nag so much about the weather and I couldn’t do anything about it either. I am kind of a person who tries to make the best of the situation and I am kind of grateful that the weather is like this. When it is getting windy or wet you have the feeling you do not want to leave your warm blanket and your cozy bed, but you know deep down there you have to do something, you must have the feeling that you actually have accomplished something that day, this is where actually the procrastinating begins. You feel you have to be productive, but you are not obliged to do something and you start thinking that you actually could do it tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. It is hard when it comes to the time like this.  So usually I’ll drag my ass to get out of bed, placing my yoga mat and start doing yoga until I feel like I’m strong enough to do any activities. Since exams are approaching I’m quite occupied with the guilt of procrastinating. So yeah…

Okay now I’m  going to go back to my warm blanket on this “summer” day.