An Open Letter for the Hopeless Romantic

For all the hopeless romantic who is slowly losing their hope. Please don’t!
Please stay in your hopeless romantic nature and show us, monster, that life is love and it’s one of the greatest emotion you could feel on earth.

I was a hopeless romantic once. I used to believe in love at the first sight, the right person, and a soulmate. I used to believe once you were married, there will be no divorce, you’ll stay with your partner in happily ever after. Once you were married, you’ll always love your partner in health and sick, in poor and arm. Once you were committed, you’ll stay committed, moreover when you already have a cute daughter and a handsome boy together. But life has had another plan for you, you’ll separate with your 16 years, high school sweetheart. The passionate, crazy, heavenly love you used to tell your children slowly becoming unbearable toxic and I-despise-you hate. All the moaning at night turned slowly into scream and shout and broken dishes. But I still wanted to believe in love and romantic.

I was a hopeless romantic once, I used to believe that life revolves around love, love for nature, love for the aesthetic, love for arts and love for living beings. Especially love in the human relationship. I used to believe romanticism is the only way you show your affection gracefully and in full nurture. That boys and girls, youngs or adults should express themselves because their feelings and emotion will be accepted and returned or at least appreciated. Life is a funny thing, when everything we believe starting to feel like a fairy tale and fall into places, that’s when life shows us, there’s the opposite than what we have faith on. But I know deep down I still had believed in love and romantic.

I was a hopeless romantic once. Until life showed me that love is not always pure, naive and sentimental. Love could be bitter, hard and painful. Love could be unrequited, love is deceitful, full of tricks and mind games. Love is there because you don’t want to be alone. Love is using you until you find another one that can satisfy what your needs, love will be there kissing your forehead every night and keep you warm just when they needed you, but they still keeping their eyes open in case there’s someone better than you. Love is just an illusion to comfort you in a cold heartless world, love will blind you and give you the impression that there will be a pot of gold by the end of this rainbow when it’s actually another highway to hell. Yet I still want to believe in love and romantic. I still want to believe that out there someone is having the pure, naive, couldn’t-live-without-each-other love, the kind of love I used to think I had. I envy them for still having this naive feeling, but I am happy for them. I wish them to have it a little longer than I. I wish them to cherish it and hold it as long as they can. But love has been my painful memories. It left its marked deep and painful in every inch of my body, leaving a scar I cannot heal, an addiction I cannot cure.

For the hopeless romantic out there, please don’t lose your hope. Don’t fall into a living hell pit and turn into a monster who’ll just seek warm and comfort in others without having a mutual feeling. Please don’t turn into a monster, who already forgot how to fall in love, be in love and to be loved.
For the hopeless romantic out there, please show us how to love again. Please, teach us all about love, pure love that you believe in. That kind of romantic cheesy love all movies and books have been telling us all. We’ll laugh at you and tell you to be rational but please be patient with us, because we’re just a baby on this field. Teach us how to crawl, slowly, patiently. I’ll guarantee you, it will be worth it and maybe later we’ll walk side by side on this journey. Because then, once we start believing again, we’ll love like never been in love before.

Sincerely yours,
DanantiDewi

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Hello-Goodbye

“You be good.”

That was his last word to me and at that moment I know that was our last time. That I won’t be seeing him again nor would I want to see him in a short time and that was our final chapter.

What we had wasn’t even real and I should have known that we couldn’t keep it like that. Maybe I was greedy and I was aware of that, but what I did not know, it would come to an end that fast. We met and we said goodbye. That was it. Period. Just like a line, what met in intersection and never will meet again.

It was first day of summer, or was it? I don’t really remember. Do you see? I don’t even remember anymore how or when we met. That should be a sign enough, to let me know that ahead we will be separated by a fucking big junction. From that on what I still remember is our good time. Fun time. Fuck it just called it summer fling.

We explored our sexuality openly. He opened a door for me so I could exploring thing I have never explored before. He lets me in and showed me what I could do, what I’m capable of, what he was capable of. It was like a drug for me, I couldn’t have enough of it. I was happy, you see at that moment I was alive. Never have I ever been that happy. Never have I ever tasted a drug like his drug. Slowly I was addicted to it. I wanted more even though I know what we had, was a problem. You see, I got a boyfriend and he had his ‘girlfriend’. But still we kept playing this game of two.

My friend told me to be careful because when you play with fire, you could get burned. “Sweetheart, you have to be careful. Don’t let a good fuck think you’re in love.” I should listened to her, I should stop it while I can. But I’m a junkie, as he always called me when I had my second cigarettes. I am a junkie, yes I was a junkie, who couldn’t get enough from his poisonous elixir. Greedy is such an ugly so sin. You want something that you don’t have, you demand something you know you cannot get. In the end you will get hurt by your greediness.

I know he met her long before he met me, but tell me couple of things. Is she lovely? Does she care about him? Does she fuck him better than me? He knows I’m right here, beside him and she’s there thousand miles away from you. I have been in that kind relationship, it sucked. It sucked your energy and your emotion. Is he really sure that was what he wants? Didn’t he tell me not so long ago, love and relationship were not his things? That he probably wasn’t capable of such emotion. Wasn’t what we have was great? No emotion, no string attached, just us and his bed?

Such a pity, just for a moment I enjoyed it with no regret or no hesitation. Turn out of the blue, he had someone beside him. Left me alone in this dark room and he knows how I hate dark room. I hope he saw my face and it reminded him the time we had earlier, the sweet play we played, the secret language that we spoke.

But you know, I wished him the best. I was happy he found what he wasn’t even look at first.

This isn’t happiness

We played a little game
A game of seduction
But I know, in the end
I’ll fall and lose
I want to know how far I could go
How hard I would fall
Now I’m broken and nobody catches me

Sadness is a blessing
Sadness is a pearl
Sadness is my boyfriend
Oh Sadness I’m your  girl – Lykke Li

I am a mess,
dumb,
silly,
imbecile,
stupid,
ugly bitch
yet you still manage to bring the worst out of me

I love loved you.
Oh well, I love.. that concept

I guess our story won’t be there for too long
I guess we should prepare for a goodbye
I might miss your kiss,
your touch,
your whisper,
your commands but this are for good
So this is goodbye.

tumblr_o85z4tkssm1qz6f9yo4_500Aku dan Kamu
Dipertemukan disaat yang salah
Ditempat yang salah
Aku dan Kamu

memiliki ikatan unik, aneh, luar biasa
tak membosankan
Aku dan Kamu
sayang hanya sebuah persimpangan
berbagi kecup disaat kita berjumpa
mengucap pisah disaat yang sama
Kenapa bertemu bila akhirnya berpisah?
Kenapa berbagi bila akhirnya kau memilihnya?

 

 

 

/dɪspəˈzɪʃ(ə)n/

I don’t want any flawless relationship

I don’t want a perfect couple goal or a dream soulmate

If it’s not much to ask,

Please be yourself,

Argue with me if we are disagree

Because I can’t wait to make it up with a make-up sex

Fight with me through your words and not a fist

Because I’m sure I need another point of view

Tell me when I’m wrong, I don’t need shit covered in glitter

I want your bad, your disease, your nightmares

So I could share you my illness

I want to be in your day dream

But also to be the reason why you can’t sleep at night


She used to know how to dance in the rain. She used to know how to sail the ocean without compass

She used to know how to see the beauty in everything.

Now she lost it, she lost it because she is blinded by the beauty of an angel in front of her. Is he the Michael? Or rather is  he the Lucifer?

 

Here comes the moment when she doesn’t want to stop, when she doesn’t want to get better. She just doesn’t care anymore. She cannot explain what’s going on with her head, when she is the master of her own mind, don’t even understand it.


Kamu mau tahu apa yang salah?

Aku yang salah karena menggantungkan harapanku terlalu tinggi,

Aku yang salah karena terlalu acuh,

Tak mau melihat kenyataan

Masih saja melakukan kesalahan yang sama tapi tidak pernah mau belajar

Mungkin aku memang tidak bisa membantumu

Karena dirimupun tak mau dibantu

Aku rindu padamu,

bukan hanya hari

Detikpun aku hitung kapan kita akan bertemu

Hingga detik terakhirpun aku menunggu dengan setia

Aku tahu kamu memang tidak meminta aku untuk menunggu

Kulakukan karena aku ingin membuktikan diriku

Tersayat perih

Kamu tidak merasakan eufori yang sama sperti yang aku rasakan

Aku kira kau akan meluangkan waktumu barang sehari saja

Tidak semalam saja untuk kita habiskan bersama

Harusnya aku sadar, aku tak akan pernah mendapatkanmu

Harusnya aku sadar, karena bukan aku yang kamu butuhkan


Aku memang bermain dengan api,

Memang hangat, panas

Hampir terbakar

Tetapi dinginnya cuaca ini membuatku sadar akan panasmu yang beradiasi ke kulitku

Menjalar dari pipiku, wajahku

Leher dan perlahan menjalar keseluruh tubuhku

Dan akhirnya akupun terbakar

Menjadi abu dan debu

Tapi aku terlahir dari abuku


I’m laughing I’m crying

It feels like I’m dying

I’m yearning, I’m flying

But it’s paradoxing

How can you regret something you wanted before?

Regret is something ugly. One of many negative feeling I don’t want to have not in recent time nor in for a long time. Like any other imperfect human being, I did some impulsive action, make me regret what I did afterward. I regret eating a bag of “Tropicana” Haribo in a day, coming to Germany, enjoying my freedom. I used to longing for freedom, owning my own mind and opinion, to actually have a control over my own life. The fact that I have to look up for somebody, waiting for their response or plan so I could make my own life made me feel restricted. Now that I got my freedom, why don’t I feel free at all? Suddenly, I want to have somebody who’s telling me what I should do, what I should wear and decide what I should eat for dinner. I want something that I know I can depend on, that I know they’re always by my side on a Wednesday
‘s night, watching a ridiculous film together, having a wine date on Thursday night and a lazy afternoon on Sunday, but so in the way they will never cage me in a golden cage. I want it so we can run wild together, side by side and no one is left behind or commanding.

3e2e890a87a782b6e0dfea74ffedd21fThe thing I regret the most is to let my guard down without knowing you first.  Yes, I regret it so much that I’m starting to despise you, cursing my brain for every night I dream about you.

I get it. You write

Probably many of my friends did not know about my passion in writing. However, for my very close friends, it is not a surprise. I have been writing since I was eight years old. At first I was writing in my  diary, just about some stuff that amazed, confused or fascinated me. It was just a  normal diary, but it holds many of my idea. Then, I started writing poems, lyrics, then lead to short stories. Just between us, I have been writing and renew my letter for my loyal friends every month, in case something happen to me and I did not have the chance to say what I want to say to them.

I love to write short story. It is not too short like a poem nor is it too long like a novel. Just perfect length. I do not write only about my personal experiences, but also from the stories around me. It could be about my friends, their feelings and their surrounding. I like to put myself in their point of view, so maybe that is why my short story always in a first-person point of view and my characters never have a name. It is just surprisingly easy for me if I put myself in their shoes and think about what would this character do if this or that happen. I could say I am not a big fan of happily-ever-after ending, mostly my main-character in my short stories would end up single, alone and dead. Very harsh to say, but for me tragedy, sadness, gloomy and melancholy make a short story reliable and accurate. You can feel pain more that you can feel happiness. While you feel in pain, you feel like there is a giant hole in your chest that you need to feel it up and that is when my short story comes in handy, with happiness you cannot feel it up. Instead, you just dig deeper the hole in your chest and it makes it heavier.

I posted some of my writings in my blog, one short story called Game Over. It sparked a huge “discussion” about this story. Everybody assumed that this story related to me and was worried I would end up like the main character in the story. Their reaction about the story was not without any reason. In the time I was still not over my first, long and serious relationship. It was a mess for me, my closest friends were always there and they were literally asking me every five minutes if I was okay. I won’t lie, the breakup was not a mess, there was no fight at all, but it gave a huge impact to my everyday performance. Anyway, that is why my friends all worried about me. Because of the big fuss about my sad-ending story I am now quite hesitate to publish another story because I don’t want to make my friends worry about me. Since then i have been writing three short stories and countless poems, but I didn’t have the intention yet to publish them. There is only this one person, I would show my writings too.

Let’s call him Mr. Scholar, he is the most honest, straightforward guy I have ever met. We mostly shared opinions about some things. Therefore, I would like him to read and made a comments about my writings. Every time I showed him my work, he always said, “You are very good at it.” and just like that it lifts up my confident. Not seldom he would give me advice how to make my story even better. Because of him I have the courage again to post my stories. I think as for now I’ll only post my writings. However please remember, don’t assume the stories are all about my personal life. Some of it might be, or just inspired by it.

Love,
Ayu

 

Summer, Sun and Procrastinating

Usually summer is like my best season of all year, you know where I could feel really free and in my best state. Where you could feel the sun on your skin, getting tan, having fun with your friends, going to the beach; or go to pool since there ain’t no beaches here in Aachen, well you know just have the time of your life or just feeling yourself, but this kind of feeling is one thing that not going to happen, not when you’re living in Aachen. This small town in North-Rhine-Westphalia seems to have just two season: fall and spring. Okay I might be exaggerating, but seriously I can count the hot summer days in Aachen with all my fingers. To make it fair, the weather in Germany right now is kinda lame. No hot summer days or just a small ray of sunshine, NADA. When you’re lucky you’ll get like overall 15 minutes of sunshine through the whole day.

Well, I don’t want to nag so much about the weather and I couldn’t do anything about it either. I am kind of a person who tries to make the best of the situation and I am kind of grateful that the weather is like this. When it is getting windy or wet you have the feeling you do not want to leave your warm blanket and your cozy bed, but you know deep down there you have to do something, you must have the feeling that you actually have accomplished something that day, this is where actually the procrastinating begins. You feel you have to be productive, but you are not obliged to do something and you start thinking that you actually could do it tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. It is hard when it comes to the time like this.  So usually I’ll drag my ass to get out of bed, placing my yoga mat and start doing yoga until I feel like I’m strong enough to do any activities. Since exams are approaching I’m quite occupied with the guilt of procrastinating. So yeah…

Okay now I’m  going to go back to my warm blanket on this “summer” day.