This isn’t happiness

We played a little game
A game of seduction
But I know, in the end
I’ll fall and lose
I want to know how far I could go
How hard I would fall
Now I’m broken and nobody catches me

Sadness is a blessing
Sadness is a pearl
Sadness is my boyfriend
Oh Sadness I’m your  girl – Lykke Li

I am a mess,
dumb,
silly,
imbecile,
stupid,
ugly bitch
yet you still manage to bring the worst out of me

I love loved you.
Oh well, I love.. that concept

I guess our story won’t be there for too long
I guess we should prepare for a goodbye
I might miss your kiss,
your touch,
your whisper,
your commands but this are for good
So this is goodbye.

tumblr_o85z4tkssm1qz6f9yo4_500Aku dan Kamu
Dipertemukan disaat yang salah
Ditempat yang salah
Aku dan Kamu

memiliki ikatan unik, aneh, luar biasa
tak membosankan
Aku dan Kamu
sayang hanya sebuah persimpangan
berbagi kecup disaat kita berjumpa
mengucap pisah disaat yang sama
Kenapa bertemu bila akhirnya berpisah?
Kenapa berbagi bila akhirnya kau memilihnya?

 

 

 

/dɪspəˈzɪʃ(ə)n/

I don’t want any flawless relationship

I don’t want a perfect couple goal or a dream soulmate

If it’s not much to ask,

Please be yourself,

Argue with me if we are disagree

Because I can’t wait to make it up with a make-up sex

Fight with me through your words and not a fist

Because I’m sure I need another point of view

Tell me when I’m wrong, I don’t need shit covered in glitter

I want your bad, your disease, your nightmares

So I could share you my illness

I want to be in your day dream

But also to be the reason why you can’t sleep at night


She used to know how to dance in the rain. She used to know how to sail the ocean without compass

She used to know how to see the beauty in everything.

Now she lost it, she lost it because she is blinded by the beauty of an angel in front of her. Is he the Michael? Or rather is  he the Lucifer?

 

Here comes the moment when she doesn’t want to stop, when she doesn’t want to get better. She just doesn’t care anymore. She cannot explain what’s going on with her head, when she is the master of her own mind, don’t even understand it.


Kamu mau tahu apa yang salah?

Aku yang salah karena menggantungkan harapanku terlalu tinggi,

Aku yang salah karena terlalu acuh,

Tak mau melihat kenyataan

Masih saja melakukan kesalahan yang sama tapi tidak pernah mau belajar

Mungkin aku memang tidak bisa membantumu

Karena dirimupun tak mau dibantu

Aku rindu padamu,

bukan hanya hari

Detikpun aku hitung kapan kita akan bertemu

Hingga detik terakhirpun aku menunggu dengan setia

Aku tahu kamu memang tidak meminta aku untuk menunggu

Kulakukan karena aku ingin membuktikan diriku

Tersayat perih

Kamu tidak merasakan eufori yang sama sperti yang aku rasakan

Aku kira kau akan meluangkan waktumu barang sehari saja

Tidak semalam saja untuk kita habiskan bersama

Harusnya aku sadar, aku tak akan pernah mendapatkanmu

Harusnya aku sadar, karena bukan aku yang kamu butuhkan


Aku memang bermain dengan api,

Memang hangat, panas

Hampir terbakar

Tetapi dinginnya cuaca ini membuatku sadar akan panasmu yang beradiasi ke kulitku

Menjalar dari pipiku, wajahku

Leher dan perlahan menjalar keseluruh tubuhku

Dan akhirnya akupun terbakar

Menjadi abu dan debu

Tapi aku terlahir dari abuku


I’m laughing I’m crying

It feels like I’m dying

I’m yearning, I’m flying

But it’s paradoxing

How can you regret something you wanted before?

Regret is something ugly. One of many negative feeling I don’t want to have not in recent time nor in for a long time. Like any other imperfect human being, I did some impulsive action, make me regret what I did afterward. I regret eating a bag of “Tropicana” Haribo in a day, coming to Germany, enjoying my freedom. I used to longing for freedom, owning my own mind and opinion, to actually have a control over my own life. The fact that I have to look up for somebody, waiting for their response or plan so I could make my own life made me feel restricted. Now that I got my freedom, why don’t I feel free at all? Suddenly, I want to have somebody who’s telling me what I should do, what I should wear and decide what I should eat for dinner. I want something that I know I can depend on, that I know they’re always by my side on a Wednesday
‘s night, watching a ridiculous film together, having a wine date on Thursday night and a lazy afternoon on Sunday, but so in the way they will never cage me in a golden cage. I want it so we can run wild together, side by side and no one is left behind or commanding.

3e2e890a87a782b6e0dfea74ffedd21fThe thing I regret the most is to let my guard down without knowing you first.  Yes, I regret it so much that I’m starting to despise you, cursing my brain for every night I dream about you.

I get it. You write

Probably many of my friends did not know about my passion in writing. However, for my very close friends, it is not a surprise. I have been writing since I was eight years old. At first I was writing in my  diary, just about some stuff that amazed, confused or fascinated me. It was just a  normal diary, but it holds many of my idea. Then, I started writing poems, lyrics, then lead to short stories. Just between us, I have been writing and renew my letter for my loyal friends every month, in case something happen to me and I did not have the chance to say what I want to say to them.

I love to write short story. It is not too short like a poem nor is it too long like a novel. Just perfect length. I do not write only about my personal experiences, but also from the stories around me. It could be about my friends, their feelings and their surrounding. I like to put myself in their point of view, so maybe that is why my short story always in a first-person point of view and my characters never have a name. It is just surprisingly easy for me if I put myself in their shoes and think about what would this character do if this or that happen. I could say I am not a big fan of happily-ever-after ending, mostly my main-character in my short stories would end up single, alone and dead. Very harsh to say, but for me tragedy, sadness, gloomy and melancholy make a short story reliable and accurate. You can feel pain more that you can feel happiness. While you feel in pain, you feel like there is a giant hole in your chest that you need to feel it up and that is when my short story comes in handy, with happiness you cannot feel it up. Instead, you just dig deeper the hole in your chest and it makes it heavier.

I posted some of my writings in my blog, one short story called Game Over. It sparked a huge “discussion” about this story. Everybody assumed that this story related to me and was worried I would end up like the main character in the story. Their reaction about the story was not without any reason. In the time I was still not over my first, long and serious relationship. It was a mess for me, my closest friends were always there and they were literally asking me every five minutes if I was okay. I won’t lie, the breakup was not a mess, there was no fight at all, but it gave a huge impact to my everyday performance. Anyway, that is why my friends all worried about me. Because of the big fuss about my sad-ending story I am now quite hesitate to publish another story because I don’t want to make my friends worry about me. Since then i have been writing three short stories and countless poems, but I didn’t have the intention yet to publish them. There is only this one person, I would show my writings too.

Let’s call him Mr. Scholar, he is the most honest, straightforward guy I have ever met. We mostly shared opinions about some things. Therefore, I would like him to read and made a comments about my writings. Every time I showed him my work, he always said, “You are very good at it.” and just like that it lifts up my confident. Not seldom he would give me advice how to make my story even better. Because of him I have the courage again to post my stories. I think as for now I’ll only post my writings. However please remember, don’t assume the stories are all about my personal life. Some of it might be, or just inspired by it.

Love,
Ayu

 

Summer, Sun and Procrastinating

Usually summer is like my best season of all year, you know where I could feel really free and in my best state. Where you could feel the sun on your skin, getting tan, having fun with your friends, going to the beach; or go to pool since there ain’t no beaches here in Aachen, well you know just have the time of your life or just feeling yourself, but this kind of feeling is one thing that not going to happen, not when you’re living in Aachen. This small town in North-Rhine-Westphalia seems to have just two season: fall and spring. Okay I might be exaggerating, but seriously I can count the hot summer days in Aachen with all my fingers. To make it fair, the weather in Germany right now is kinda lame. No hot summer days or just a small ray of sunshine, NADA. When you’re lucky you’ll get like overall 15 minutes of sunshine through the whole day.

Well, I don’t want to nag so much about the weather and I couldn’t do anything about it either. I am kind of a person who tries to make the best of the situation and I am kind of grateful that the weather is like this. When it is getting windy or wet you have the feeling you do not want to leave your warm blanket and your cozy bed, but you know deep down there you have to do something, you must have the feeling that you actually have accomplished something that day, this is where actually the procrastinating begins. You feel you have to be productive, but you are not obliged to do something and you start thinking that you actually could do it tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. It is hard when it comes to the time like this.  So usually I’ll drag my ass to get out of bed, placing my yoga mat and start doing yoga until I feel like I’m strong enough to do any activities. Since exams are approaching I’m quite occupied with the guilt of procrastinating. So yeah…

Okay now I’m  going to go back to my warm blanket on this “summer” day.

How I survived for days without my phone

I can’t and so I bought a new one the next day.

12362906_10206302127444975_3729147495756923904_o
The last picture I took with my beloved baby 

Let me begin the story many you probably know, I lost my phone over the weekend at the party. Some of you asked me how I managed losing my phone, you know, if I know, I wouldn’t lose it. Anyway, probably like any other phone addict and social media freak, I was devastated. I felt extremely naked without having my baby (read: my phone) with me. It was always beside me, reminded me to every appointment I wanted to forget, but had to attend, woke me up at 7:15 even though I usually wake up at 6:30 or which bus should I take to my next party destination (nah jk Pop, I don’t party every weekend). My phone was my buddy, my helper, my personal assistant, I bet I couldn’t get anything done without my beloved and reliable iPhone. How can I keep up my position in highly competitive social media ladder? How am I going to know what is happening right now in Timbuktu? How am I going to keep in touch with my old men?

 

I had to get use to a world before the smartphone, which won’t be as hard as it’s sounds because duh, I used to know this world. But I was wrong. Well, the only way I could contact my friends were through email, path or facebook. I had a Dinner in the evening with a friend, usually I would text my friends to make sure that I would go to the dinner, but I couldn’t reach my friend because I lost my phone nor have I my friend’s facebook so I was hoping my friend didn’t cancel it the last minute (thank god my friend didn’t). The next problem was how to get to my friend’s place. I don’t really know the bus timetable because I rely on my phone to check for my connection. So as soon as I was ready I walked to the bus station, but Fortuna wasn’t on my side, I saw my bus went away in front of my nose. Therefore, I had no other choice than to walk 30 Minutes to his place.  Which was terrifying to walk alone in the dark. Thank God nothing happened.

 

The next day I decided to buy a new phone instead. Yes, I’m a phone addict and I realize already that I rely to much on my smartphone, but that is just the life we’re living right now. To be honest, smartphone could plan my day efficiently. I thought I could stand a whole month without my phone, I couldn’t even survive for a day without phone.

 

 

danantidewi

20 Something and what I’ve learned so far

Finally I could say to myself I am now a 20 something girl. It can lead to any confusion because honestly, I am not a girl anymore, but not yet a woman (Hello, Britney?).

Honestly as a 20 something girl, I learned much more than any other girl at same age. I left home by myself at a pretty young age, done almost everything by myself at the time. But I wasn’t always like that. Before, I was always good at school, good marks, good behaviour (quite rebel now and there), I respect my teacher, but I was a spoiled and lazy brat. Okay let’s be honest, I am pretty sure I would get everything that I wanted, if I spoke about it. I never do the house chores because duh “Hotel Mama” (It’s a German term when you still live with your mom) and even though I was at my father, his helpers would do the chores. So it was a surprised for people who know me to hear my decision to go abroad at such a young age. They were all wondering if I could survive alone in a foreign country. Even I was wondering to myself and at some point I doubted the idea of going abroad. Then, people talked about how impossible it was for me to be independent at such a young age remembered I was a spoiled kid. One thing that I like about me is whenever people doubt me, I want to prove them wrong and so now I proof them wrong. I kept going with the idea and I wanted to prove them wrong so badly. Look at me, survived and still alive in a foreign country that I’m starting to call it home.

One thing for sure, it was hard at first. It was hard to adjust from the distance, it was hard to adjust from the food, the weather, the culture and especially the language. The first two weeks were a living hell for me. All the time I was thinking about giving up the whole idea about going to school in Germany or living abroad in general. I just couldn’t stand it. It was a big culture shock for me, but then I met many new friends. They helped me little by little to adjust with the culture. They spoke to me everyday so I could improve my German quickly. I met lots other people with different background, we talked a lot about different things mostly about their culture, their value of family and their hobbies. At the time I realized that I like to meet people and talked about something deep and meaningful, not just an usual weather chit chat. Even though I am actually a shy and awkward person. For me to open up conversation with new people, is scary, exciting, nervous and curious at the same thing. The feelings are mixed into one.  I notice that people are different, there are no identically same person. Each individual is interesting, inspiring and coming from different background with story to tell.

I learned a lot from them. I learned how to bake  from a lady friend of mine, who can make the best green tea cake I’ve ever tasted, I learned how to grind a soapstone, I learned poetry. I know one time my first roommate was teaching me how to use dishwasher and washing machine because I’ve never done it myself before, at home there were always people who clean up after me. The first time I had to do it alone, I was nervous. I had that feeling if I touched a button, then it exploded, but it was just a paranoia and of course it was unreasonable. From that moment on, I did my own house-chores (Boom! in Your face people). I learned many skill from different people. I heard their story because I know I could learn something from them, but the true lesson I learn from people is, that we met for a reason. Sometimes they are staying with you the whole time and sharing your best laughter, your misery and angst, but not a few friends  are just a hello or like intersections that are meet at a point and never meet again. One thing, I find it pitiful is when people you used to share your story with, now just to be somebody that you used to know. Maybe just like one of my used to close friend said, “time is changing and so is people.” Yes, a lot of things happened and it is amazing what a year can do. A stranger last year can mean so much to you and it is terrible to see someone who meant so much to you last year or last couple of months could be a stranger now.

SONY DSC
I am grateful to have them by my side
IMG_2463
People might go but the memories stay

Relax, let go, my life is in perfect flow,
danantidewi